Tired

(inspired by someone who was once close to me,

whom i shall not name)

A question to ponder, that is.
Why aint i satisfied with anything?
So many things have happened,
yet till now i can say i managed to survive for 14+ years.

However, in the recent months,
or should i say years,
it has been an emotional rollercoaster.
Even physically and spiritually,
i am tired.

How time flies,
and you might never have realised it till now.
As i look back on the accomplishments i have made,
i sadly say that i am not satisfied.
So many countless things i could have done,
and did not.

Some people have plans for the future,
and i have mine too,
but are they merely a short-lived dream?

Minutes ago,
i was playing solitaire,
a game that is so simple,
but you can never always win.

Similar to life in a way,
life is but a series of events,
unfortunate or not, as the movie title goes.

Humans are created in such a way that everyone needs to be accepted.
The pain and the fustration,
of being rejected, is too deep to comprehend.

Be it friends, family, or the one you love,
you never want to be ignored ; misunderstood.
We, are forever searching for acceptance,
To accept and be accepted.

Till now, nobody knows the real me,
and never have i revealed my true feelings,
not even to the closest friend.
This is the me that even myself cannot fully understand.

As i recall,
i used to be especially stressed up.
The expression on my face is palpable.
Sometimes, i just lose myself in my thoughts, actions.

For now, i have changed into a cheery person,
but is this just a masquerade?
Nobody knows.

The uncertainty of what lies within tomorrow,
the sense of void of losing someone you were once,
so devoted to, frightens me.

Right now, im in a muddle myself.
Why arent i letting go,
when i know things will not be perfect,
and the parting sorrow will be nostalgic.

Whatsoever,
one of the learning points in life is that ;
Happiness is not far away and it just comes from within.

Till then,
i will continue dreaming,
of running across the empty field,
in the dark and silent night,
with my pillar of strength, running alongside.

Do not attempt to unravel my feelings,
for you will find no logic.
It is all but the thoughts contained.

Jocelyn ;